Why why why? Confusion has filled my plate. Siento que me voy a morir! Cuando pienso que estoy contenta, no soy, porque hay otras cosas que estan pasando en otras lugares. Se que no debo de estar pensando en eso pero es en mi mente sin final. This is not a good time for family to be visiting me. What I mean by that is im hella in Negative Mode. Sometimes i wish I didnt grow up so fast, I always wanted to be sooo grown up when i was smaller (who didnt?) but now its just ugh!! yea i know GET OVER IT! but still man. Heres what i got. Career decision making, i know im not a senior yet and blah blah blah but i want to be the one with all my stuff straight and i am. Kind of. The thing is i have everything set i just have to do it, but the career i have chosen is 2nd priority. Mery graduates by going to BCC full time her junior year, then BCC full time her senior year and Hazen half time. Mery relaxes a bit, goes to mexico to visit her aunt, goes to guatemala to visit her father. Spends time with them gets advice and inspiration. TOTAL relaxation, TOTAL getaway! I think that will be my breaking point. Mery then goes and finishes getting her Associates at BCC, then transfers out. Either the University of Reno Nevada or the National Hispanic University. Mery graduates getting her bachelors and shes off! easy? of course not problems? hell motherfucking yes I know its hard for everyone to get their priorities set and straight. But i just felt like letting mine all out. Why do i think that getting into the business of communications is so hard? Wouldnt i be like, well if i try hard enough and i set my mind to then i can achieve it. You know i just realized im scared. I have this big fat fear sign posted in my mind right before my visions of my future and i cant move it. But eventually ill get over all this bull and i will move it. Whatever ive done in the past i dont regret because ive learned from every single one of my mistakes which brings me to who i am now. I dont think i can thank my mother enough, i really cant. She works miracles all the time. My problem is that im stupid when i make plans, i always put kickin it and stuff like that first. WHY?!?? keyword in my life WHY? why mery. Because i always want to get away from my problems, the good thing though is im not doing it by getting high. So over that! Its so hard to explain how i think, i know everything right but i just dont do it. I know not to put kickin it first but i still do it. I know what time of the day i should be doing my homework but i dont do it. I know i should eat healthier but i dont. I know i should go to soccer practice and be more active but im not. I knoe i shouldnt drink and party the night before my soccer games but i do. I know applying for jobs is not enough to get it. I know all the flaws and every single game the daily teenage boy pulls so i cant have boyfriends because im too predictable and independent. I know not to go over my minutes and im always home so i should be using my "landlines" but i dont. I know that when i go out my mom wants me home before 2 but i always come between 4 and 7 in the morning. I know not to smoke but i still do occasionally. I know i need to go to church but i dont. There is literally something wrong with my mind. jeez. Dont get me wrong its not motivation that i need, i have it but i ignore it. There is something in the way. Like i said that fat fuckin fear sign!!! ugh whatever ill get over all this. I like myself too much that ignore things, a lot of people think im cold hearted but im not. Theres that soft spot about "world peace".. really though i am extremely soft about world poverty, diseases, education kids lack, and the struggle of families everywhere. I do plan to help though, i want to join the peace corps soo bad!!!!! But im still in the process of that. If i show fear then how will i percieve myself? I like the fact that people think im strong, independent and smart period. Not no nice mushy sweet shit, because thats not me, dont get me wrong though about the whole world thing. I get super mushy with that and i love it because im helping someone who actually needs help, not the daily help to friends and their relationship problems. I like helping them too though because i think its funny and i always predict thing and what happens?? IM RIGHT!! im like a freakin fortune teller with realtionship. Moms rushing me to go lunche"on" with her so ill finish later. But isny my shit confusing? Yea tell me about it. Im just the average teenage women with problems. i cant leave this thing without mentioning MUSIC! my release!! later though. | 
